Chicken Soup for the Damned

On March 26, 2013, in Uncategorized, by Patricia

Here’s a piece — a riff — I wrote as I got to thinking about Popes and fatwahs and the like. I’m not an atheist. But religious literalism always gets me thinking about how things would logically play out. You know. In Hell and such.

Chicken Soup for the Damned

Table of Contents:

1. Finding the Real Me in the Slough of Despond
By Bede the Fornicator

At first, I was shocked to find myself being repeatedly devoured and excreted by Satan. I knew it was possible, of course, given that I’d bedded my fiancée and hadn’t had a chance to repent before I fell down a well. But still, it took time to adjust. The real surprise is how many friends I’ve made here. We don’t have a lot of time to compare notes, busy as we are being chewed, swallowed and defecated onto a dung heap of sinners, but on the other hand we do have quite a lot of time, actually, and I’ve discovered that I’m a very good listener…

2. I learned a goode lesson
By a naughty Puritan childe

Being engulfed in scorching flames for all of eternity after exploring my genitalia in the nursery has certainly taught me a life lesson! Father Bunyon tried to warn me with his picture booke, but sometimes you have to fall shrieking into a fiery pit of boiling pitch to fry, scorch and broil forever before that little light of wisdom winks on. Now that I’m more mature and my genitals have more or less evaporated, I can concentrate on what really matters…

3. Savoring the Sweetness of Each Day
By Ballios the demon

When life gives you lemons, add them to your recipe for roast heretic in garlic sauce. No, I’m kidding. There aren’t any lemons in the Sixth Circle of Hell. It’s too arid. The point is that you should never take being mindlessly and relentlessly evil for granted. If you feel things are becoming repetitive, try shaking them up a little. Select a different route to Satan’s Hellmouth in the morning, or trade red-hot pincers with a friend. Eternity is only as rewarding as you make it…

4. Everything Happens for a Reason
By John Calvin

Having articulated the doctrine of predestined souls, I have to take it on the chin now that I’ve died and discovered I was predestined to roil in a river of molten lead while demons gnash their teeth and whip me with scourges for no apparent reason whatsoever in terms of what I actually did with my life. So much for preaching two sermons on Sunday and burning libertines at the stake. Might as well have tumbled the maid. I could have stuffed myself with unleavened Eucharist bread until I passed out. Why didn’t I just dance around the streets of Geneva with a pinecone shoved up my arse, stabbing followers of Luther with my pen?
But, the thing is, you can choose to be bitter, or you can choose to be somewhat bitter but also nicely vindicated. As I, myself, so assiduously asserted, God adjudges some to eternal death…

5. Sometimes, you’re your own worst wrathful deity
By Bodhidharma Donaldson

My friends at Shasta Abbey warned me that death’s bardo realm would feature projections of my own mind, but, even so, it can be hard to look yourself in the mirror and say: ‘Yes, that’s me: a six-faced deity brandishing weapons and riding a cow.’ No one wants to feel like that. Really. It’s like admitting you’re overweight.
I am not going to lie to you, I almost got reincarnated as an aloe plant because I panicked when I first saw the projected diety Yamantaka, and rushed for the nearest birth exit. Realizing that this was all just my own negative psychic energy was the best thing that ever happened to non-me…


1 Response » to “Chicken Soup for the Damned”

  1. jane moody says:

    Hilarious. Made my day!

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